Wash, wash, wash with the new Blue Cheer
Today, as I cleaned off the kitchen counter which I had left a mess on for three days (days of immense bone pain), I thought back on one of today's events. I had had a pretty good day, lunch, reconciliation and all, but once again there had been somebody who had the audacity to open their big mouth about the state of tidiness of MY home.
Such comments are always accompanied by remarks such as: "I hope you are not offended"!
In an attempt to not offend THEM I always say that I am not offended. Actually I am NOT offended but it hurts. It hurts a lot because frankly, I feel like those people -and there are plenty of them- do not exactly grasp what I am going through. I do not mean now, since I know that I have cancer, but also the previous 3 years that I have been in terrible pain and also the years since Kiara was born in which I dealt with severe depression for 3 years (I now know it was probably related to a malfunctioning thyroid gland), a divorce, single motherhood and much more.
Those of you who have known me for longer than 10 years will know that I was Mrs. Clean and Proper in person. Everything was clean, everything had its own spot and every single document was filed away neatly. My CD's were even in alphabetical order and my books were sorted by means of the Dewey decimal system. It took a lot of adapting on my end to be able to let my tendency towards Molysomophobia (fear of dirt) go and to become a far less annoying partner and mother. In the end I achieved a far less obsessive way of life and it saved me and allowed me to keep my sanity. You see, something has to give! And I might be Superwoman, but even Superwoman can not be in two places at once. 
Anyway, back to those people who open their mouths: There are those who keep their mouths shut and help me. There are those who open their mouths but offer help. There are those who comment on how messy, but "gezellig" (a Dutch word for cosiness) my home is, and there are those who talk behind my back.
I can live with the first two as they seem to reallize what my predicament is. But the last two types must learn that what they do is painful, and darn-right rude! Just because I let my phobia go, it does not mean that I would not prefer to have everything in order, the way I like it and the way that suits me. It is not always pleasant to ask for help and I sure as hell do not see any of those people walking in my shoes and achieving what I have achieved for the passed 8 years. I don't understand why people think that they have the right to judge what they see in someone else's home. That is precisely what it is: someone else's home.
Even though they quickly say that they are not being judgemental, no one can convince me that they are not. I am good at reading tones of voices, body language and what more. When people mention the terrible mess there is always an underlying tone that tells me they disapprove of what they see.
My house is clean. I have to live in it and I am not complaining. I sincerely hope that then next time when people walk into others people's homes, they will refrain from imposing their personal standards on others. The truth is (as it is in any form of gossip) that you never really know what is going on and what is the cause of people's actions.
Like Dr. Luycx had said:
"The trouble with you, Aisha, is that you are too tough and you deal with pain in an incredible manner"!
She was implying that people's reactions to my situation have not been in balance with what I am experiencing. My expression of despair understates my actual state of being.I hope that by writing this I have finally become clear about the matter.
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