Baby K bound home

Today Kiara comes home! She has been away from home for 10 days now because her mother was radioactive. How absurd is that!?? I have been able to relax about it because I knew she was in good hands. Ineke treats her like one of her own and Kiara and Jermaine are inseperable as it is. But if I allow myself to feel what's inside, it tears me apart to know that that is the cause of our seperation.

I woke up at 7 o'clock with a whole day ahead of me. Tineke had spent the night here and was off to Amsterdam for her Toyohara course. So by 9 o'clock I was home alone.

The day ahead seemed endless as Kiara would not come home until the early evening. I had time on my hands and no particular chores to do. So...I finally got what I have been trying to find: time to think things over...to contemplate and time to hurt.

My positive attitude has a negative side...I don't create enough time to deal with pain. This is one of the reasons why I insist on having the house to myself from time to time. I am too concerned about others to be able to let my feelings run when I have others around me. I hope everyone understands. Especially those who don't want me to feel any pain at all. I need to feel the pain though...simply because what I am going through is painful! (Physically and mentally). So, I say to everyone: 'Please grant me this emotion'.

This morning my pain is about love. Love and all it's absurdities. How life is full of obstacles, sometimes preventing us to get the (mutual) love that is there in the first place. Factors like timing, distance, and other occurances seem to get in the way. The simple course of life acts like a barrier. Having time to spend with each other, whether it is with your child, a lover, a friend or family, is not always a given. Sometimes we have to make do with what life dishes up for us.

What the cancer has done for me is to expose how much my people love me. Well, I have always tried to treat people well and maybe you might think it is obvious that so many people love me. Whatever the case, I had no idea, certainly not about the magnitude of it.

This is overwhelming! I try not to let the phenomenon 'loyalty' get in the way because that would mess it all up. However, it is inevitable to be totally confused in these circumstances. Especially as - sorry, I have to say it- I have no idea how much time I have on my hands. Also, I do not want to waste any of it.

I know that what I am writing may not make sense to many of you...but I don't know how else I can express my feelings. They are so intricate. So this will have to do.

Anyway...I took my time, and turned up the volume to the Bee Gees' 'Don't wanna live inside myself' (originally released as a single October 1971. From the album "Trafalgar", released November 1971).
I bawled my eyes out. Seven softcare D'Iseree (Lidl) tissues later, I was ready to move on to something else.

Can't wait 'til Baby K comes home!