Contagious creepies

Today started out as a pretty ordinary day. It was Kiara's second day back in school and my mother brought her. I slept in and managed to not wake up until 9.30. In the meantime, my mother made her way to the head office of Kiara's day care. She had requested them for a transfer to Kiara's former department as she has not managed to settle into the new location. Last year our children were tranferred to a new location because the day care had made a deal with the Hilversum municipality to offer care at locations closest to the schools. Kiara therefore had to give up a safe haven. We filed a complaint but the board did not grant our wish (alongside similar wishes of another 6 or 7 families). Kiara has not been happy in the new place and with me this ill I did not feel comfortable sending her there. So basically I have been paying 685 euro's each month and still keeping her at home. My mother's request was finally granted after many phone calls and 5 weeks of diplomatic headache. Kiara gets to go back to Marimba temporarily.


This was beautiful news for the little one which we celebrated by going out for poffertjes (mini pancakes, a Dutch delicacy) in Laren. Aldith also paid a short visit. Afterwards I took Kiara and Bo to their Capoeira lesson. I felt well enough to hang around there for a bit and also took a small walk as my back was more painful this morning. Moving about sometimes helps boost everything back in place. It did! My mother made us dinner and when I brought Kiara to bed her fears and sadness poured out. It appears that she is confused about contagiousness, the radio active Iodine and the cancer being made up of cells. Why is it that you can not catch cancer from someone who has it? How do you explain that to a seven year old? She did not want to kiss me, used the blanket as a sheild and I could tell that she did not like me stroking her face. Eventually I asked my neice to go upstairs to talk to her. This is so very painful, but also understandable.
Apparantly all they did was hug. Kiara went to sleep and I am following shortly.

"When I come back home after the 10 days of Iodine treatment, I want to stand across the road and watch another kid stand next to you before I have to" -Kiara, earlier this week

Pimp my palace

The end of the May holidays have arrived. Kiara came home this past Sunday and we are trying to get back into our routine. Monday was still a holiday and my brother and nephew decided to come over to fix my multi-media corner. My mother had arrived on Sunday night which triggered Aldith to come, which triggered Angélique and Hugo to come, which triggered my father to come. Before I knew it I had organized a partial family reunion! André and Melvin got my multi-media corner running which now provides me with dvd, video, cd, mp3, radio, television, and digital television. All with dolby surround sound. On top of that we cleared out all the acces junk (yes, sir, yes, sir...three bags full). My living room looks much larger now...I am very happy with this change! Can't wait for my sofa to arrive!
Anyway, this feels like the end of one episode and the beginning of a new one. Today I have my check-up on the operation, which I am certain went well.
The next two weeks will be concentrated on the radioactive treatment. I have several scans to go through and a lot of information to take in. The treatment will be on June 7. In the meantime I would like a definate answer about what to do about my back. Apparantly some hot-shot professor will be looking at my case today (another addition to my dream team). My situation is complex as we are not solely talking about the spine problem, but also have a pelvis to worry about. I have an incling about what advice I will receive. We will see.
To me it is of greater importance that my operation is moved back a month. Seeing as there was a fire in the VUmc (on the operation floor where I was treated), I take it that they are back-lagging on their itinerary anyway. Aren't I lucky!
I am off to the hospital in about an hours time. If I have enough time I will hunt down my cd-rom and make sure they load it into the system. Last week the orthopedic surgeon was not able to make an assesment as he could not acces my file.
I shall also ask for my own copy to avoid this problem in the future.

Bonviva goes Osdura?

Just a little entertainment on my part: Roche Netherlands, the pharmaceutical company producing Bonviva, has received an email from me regarding my dismay about the name. I have requested them to get back to me on that matter.
Whilst googling for their address I discovered that Procter & Gamble Pharmaceuticals Nederland BV and Aventis Pharma BV with the collective name: “de Alliance”, have sued Roche for their misleading advertisements concerning this particular product. (Dutch speakers can consult the link). They won the lawsuit as Roche was not allowed to claim that the Bonviva "Builds bones". To spice things up a little more I have forwarded my complaint to "de Alliance".
According to the Gedragscode Geneesmiddelenreclame, the Dutch code of conduct concerning advertising medicines, it seems I too have a case as the name is misleading. Let's see what their response is.
Watch this space for more!

No woman, no cry

So, woman, no cry;

No - no, woman - woman, no cry.

Woman, little sister, dont shed no tears;

No, woman, no cry.

Bob Marley

So, I have decided not to bother you with the horrible photograph as any experienced 'shopper would have no chance of improving it. Instead I decided to steal the shedding tears picture which looks much more refreshing than and ailing cancer patient. (See link for the source).

Bob Marley wanted his woman to stop crying, the question is...would not crying have helped her in any way? Sir Henry Maudsley (an Australian physician who served in the first World War) said that "Sorrows which find no vent in tears may soon make other organs weep." It has been scientifically proven that by crying the body rids itself of stress hormones, therefore crying has an important function.

I do not cry much. I don't know why this is. Maybe it is because I have grown accustomed to this level of discomfort...but taking into account that I dealt with so much pain in the first place, maybe my fysiological make-up does not make enough allowances for this emotion. I certainly do not feel a social restriction to cry. What ever the case, I do try to cry. Like many things these days (eating, bowel movement, sleeping, enjoyment) I condition myself to cry at certain times. I chose a moment which suits me and try to trigger my tears. I usually only succeed if I am home alone which is why I do not want people around continously. If I did not do this...I probably would cry a lot less as my focus is on the healing aspect of my life.
But seeing as crying is an important part of the healing proces...I do try to get around to it.

People (especially strangers) are so suprised about my good spirits, but that too has to do with conditioning. If I choose to be positive, I will infact be positive.

There are some spontaneous moments that I cry. It only happens when all of you wonderful people out there (more than 100 of you) give me attention in the form of messages, presents, phone calls, or when you weep for me. These are all fantastic triggers assisting my recovery. This is particularily the case when it becomes apparant to me that certain people have taken the time to get to really know me, or when they make me notice that somehow I have touched their lives. Also when I see that they appreciate what I have done for them in the past. Getting this abundant feedback feels great and very relieving. Infact...it makes me feel that up to now I have lived an excellent life and it makes me want to grab the second half of my life so I can indulge in this knowledge and become a happy old woman.

So I say:

Yes, woman, do cry;
yeah-yeah, woman - woman, do cry.
Woman, little sister, please shed your tears;
Yes, woman, do cry.

Oh happy day!

Today was wonderfully uneventful. I slept in until 8.00 o'clock which never happens these days , listened to some music: a beautiful Mahler CD called Song Cycles (4.49 euro's, Kruidvat) and waited for the nurse to arrive. By 12.00 she had not surfaced so I took my shower myself. When I got out Ineke had done my shopping for me and Marc had arrived for a visit.

He actually came around twice.

Demi (11) and Saskia finished fixing my garden and Rowan brought me a drawing and made me smile. I went to lie down for an hour or so this afternoon and at night Demi cooked me Mexican wraps. Absolutely delicious! By 20.00 the house was empty. It is such a blessing to have great friends. I could have never have done all that myself without pain or injury. What a contrast to yesterday!

I had wanted to post something on the topic "crying"...but the picture I had made of myself looked so macabre I thought that if I put it on here you might think I am dead. HAHA. Well, I can photoshop it and use it tomorrow or so. Always a great topic to write about. For now....I'm just shiny..happy and comfortable.

Me, pissed off!

Coming home from the hospital, I waited 2 hours for a cab. I was done at 16.15 and did not get home until 19.15. The beauty of Holland's infrastructure! I am not amused! And the hospital is unorganised too. They have not loaded my scans into the system yet which probably means an extra trip to the hospital as my new doctor was not able to acces all my files. So...still no news on the back thing-a-magig.

Pfff...communication really is a profession. It is frustrating to see others mess up whilst that is your own trade.



Eat...sleep....more in the morning.

The back bone's connected to the...back bone

Today I am going to the Orthopedic surgeon for an intake. He will be assesing my back injury and deciding what to do about it. The fracture looks somewhat like the picture but the crack is in the rear rather than in the front.







my own back

To heal the bone I have started medication called Bonviva (which means a good life). They should sue pharmaceutical companies that dare to name their medicines as such. Actually I think I will send them a letter being the typical pain in the ass that I can be. I think they should name it Osdura (strong bones) instead.
When my endocrinologist asked me if taking the tablets (a strong acid) went alright...I told him it did but that I have a major problem with the name. He agreed!
Anyway the Osdura is supposed to allow my bones to repair faster. Bones are living tissue that keep making new tissue to replace old tissue. In other words...they repair themselves...but the Osdura should help my body to do this faster. It is a pill that is taken mostly by menopausal women with osteoporosis. (Bone decay). In addition they want to perform an open back surgery to fill up the vertebrae with a cement-like substance (check out the link about back repairs -Kyphoplasty-) and to put in a metal strip to hold it in place. This is an operation which they want to perform mid June as they have strong concerns about me making a wrong move and becoming paralysed from the back downwards.
I have strong reserves about this issue as I feel that I need to recuperate a little more before I go back for such a big operation. (Speaking of QoL)!
I will see if I can coax Dr. Van Dijk from the VUmc in Amsterdam( a new addition to my dream team) to partake in this dangerous postponement. After all, I have been managing with a broken back since february 17, so what's another month?

HRQoL

The modern topic of Quality of Life is certainly not overrated. This term applies to rural safety matters, politics and health. Understanding quality of life is today particularly important in health care, where monetary measures do not readily apply. (Health Related Quality of Life HRQoL). Rather than looking at cost effectiveness in terms of curing, modern medicine is focussing more and more on aspects concerning QoL. Decisions on what research or treatments to invest the most in are closely related to their effect on a patient's quality of life. (Read more on this in the link).

I am very happy about these new developments as living the life of a cancer patient has taught me how important it is to enjoy. Enjoying in the sense of feeling fit and having no pain. But also enjoying in the sense of feeling accepted, being touched, enjoying the beauty of music and art and having the freedom of being mobile and putting oneself in desirable locations. This gift should really be appreciated much more and I am certain that if people focus on these aspects of life, World Peace will be closer at hand.

So why am I ranting on about this issue? Well, yesterday I had a really good day! I got out of my bed easily and without too much pain. Shortly after, Kiara came home from her sleep over. She and Bo gave me a little show which made me smile and applaud. Later when Bo left, Kiara and I had a rest in bed and snuggled up together. In the afternoon when Kiara had left to Paula (and I was sure she was having a good time), Willemijn, my co-worker came to see me. We decide to go into town which is one of those Earthly acts I do not get round to anymore. Willemijn is great and relaxing company. We had an Ice-tea at the Smidse and then did a little shopping. Our mission was to actually buy something nice that afternoon. Both of us bought some items of clothing and I bought a hand cream to counter-act my new nervous tic (scratching the palms of my hands). Feeling happy and satisfied we made our way back home. To my suprise we had been out for 2 hours and walked around for at least an hour without me being totally exhausted or in pain. This realisation kicked in with a blast! How great it is to be alive. We ordered in dinner and my afternoon was complete!

Burgundians have the right idea. All I can say is: "Stop fussing about money, things you (or you feel others) MUST do and materialism. Just live and enjoy"!

What about Baby K?

Kiara, who is just going on 8, is the hardest for me to deal with. Just looking at her can make me cry. It is a mixture of pain, disbelief, anxiety, responsibility, guilt and foremost, love.
How sensible and grown-up she can be, she is still my Baby K (and still 7 years old).
Kiara is a bright and sharp girl. I therefore chose to tell her precisely what is going on. She is much too inquisitive to bleep over certain issues and if they are to be discussed, I figure I should be the one discussing them with her. Her understanding is amazing and she has the same attitude as her mom. It is at home that she shows her anger and sadness. This translates to pushing me away and being angry at me.
How ever difficult this may be, it relieves me to know that she is not keeping anything bottled-up inside.
Nature has made us parents want the best for our children. It is therefore that my biological state pushes me to discard the child as I am not the fittest mother right now. My rational side does quite the opposite causing an inner conflict.

Before I went into hospital I visited Kiara's class to tell them about my disease. By means of a powerpoint presentation...I told them exactly what I had, what to expect and answered their questions. I thought I had prepared a 20 minute lesson, but there were so many questions that it took 45 minutes. The result appears to be that her friends are in acceptance of my disease. It is not getting in her way just yet. (If you are interested in the presentation send me an e-mail as I have not found a way to post it yet).

Kiara has her May holidays. I have therefore decided to have her sleep over at friends as much as possible to maintain her child-like activities and to save my energy. Therefore letting nature take its course, temporarily.

It seems like we need to redefine our relationship towards one another. We have started to do this. Therefore making way for my rational side.


As a mother, especially a single mother, this is a painful proces.
This too we shall succeed.

Back on the medi-go-round

I am only just starting to feel like my energy is coming back. Two short visits of friends to my home, yesterday knocked me out. I say this to illustrate where my energy level's at. Missing the thyroid gland is starting to take it's toll as I feel like a menopauzal 50 year-old.

Well I'm back on the medi-go-round now with many visits to the hospital coming up. It feels like running a marathon.

This morning I visited the endocrinologist. He told me what to expect. I have quite an itinerary:

Friday, May 25 - visit to the orthopedic

Tuesday, May 29 - check-up at the surgeon's

Monday, June 4- scan and uptake

Tuesday, June 5 - scan and uptake

Thursday, June 7- re-admittance for the iodine treatment

Saturday, June 9- leave the hospital and start hormone treatment (Kiara will have to be gone for 7 more days to keep her safe from my radiation).

Friday, June 15- total body scan

And somewhere in June they want to operate on my back. I am exhausted frankly, so I will try to push that last bit ahead a bit especially since my dear friend Najeeb will be visiting me in June. Hopefully by that time my recovery will have started to show and perhaps my quality of life will enhance.

The psychological effect of not doing anything about the cancer itself is also a burden, so I am a little bit torn between one decision or the other. Friday I will let them help me make an educated decision about this.

Dreamin' of the reaper

Only this week, my mother asked me if I was dreaming at all these days. I answered that I was not remembering any dreams.

Well last night I had my first dream (as far as I know).

I dreamt that the Grim Reaper disquised as Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) was trying to seduce me to come with him. As I was alert enough, I realized it was not Jack but the Grim Reaper trying to trick me. I cursed him and told him to go fetch someone else instead. Of course I was not stupid enough to fall for his false schemes.

I guesse that the knowledge that the cancer still has free acces to my body is bothering me subconsciously. And...who wouldn't want to dream of Johnny Depp?

I am even militant in my dreams! And why would anyone want to go with Jack in the first place?

I woke up slightly disturbed, but also very triumphant.

Recup in da hen's coop

Being home is definately better than staying in the hospital. I sleep well and have all my possessions at arms length. Somehow I have come to terms with my (temporary) invalidity. I don't know which is worse...the denial or the acceptance. Accepting it does put it in the middel of my face. I try to cope and maneuver around it. With this many people helping me out at home I feel a strong urge to reclaim territory. I wouldn't manage without them but it is quite a task keeping my own home just what it is.....MINE. Right now only my mother is here all the time. We are a great team, though I worry about the amount of work she is doing.

My homey's drop in on a regular basis and help out. I am getting better at accepting that help.

I decided to keep the nurses away until monday evening when my mother is gone. Their help is so minimal, it irritates me to pieces! We will see how this new company operates!

Everyone was worried about me coming home this early. We did actually have a small scare on Thursday night because I felt a tingling sensation in my lips. They had told me to call if I had a tingling sensation in my fingers or toes because this could mean a drop in Calcium. So I called the hospital just in case and they insisted that I came to the first aid department for a blood test.

We called Taxi Salders (Marcus' company, which I can really give a positive referral) and were driven to and from Amsterdam's VU medical center. It was just hyperventilation. Later investigation showed that I am allergic to peony flowers (I was mistaken, I thought it was camilia first). Hence the respiratory problems in the hospital. I now keep my flowers on my garden table so I can see them from inside.

Friday was a pensive day. The reality hitting me again that this is a deadly disease. Also, the knowledge that I was not too sure how my body could handle surgery. Tears help a lot...and today I have moved on from there to a new period: How to beat the cancer.

I still feel confident I can make this happen.

Discharged from hospital

On admittance I was told that I was to stay in the hospital for 5 days. It was a great suprise when the young attractive surgeon stood next to my bed at 8 in the morning on wednesday, only one day after the operation, and told me I was allowed to go home. Two things had to be in order: I had to pee and they wanted to check my Calcium levels.

The operation was a succes. Nothing was damaged and I wasn't even swollen. (Thank you for the Arnica D6 tip, Jeanine!) I had troubles breathing though which worried my family. An electrocardiogram was made and the lung specialist saw me. My Oxygen take-up was 100%...so...I decided to go home.

Before I left, I had half a day to kill. I had a lot of visitors. Rachelle came to see me and spent about half an hour cleaning up my vomit. Myriam was ever so sweet to spend her lunch time with me. Angélique and Aldith walked in together, all shiny happy, and Dideke (my manager) and Anita (my co-worker) came in with my life trophy:They had made A wonderful Superwoman poster which started me crying before they had a chance to walk towards me. How well they know me. The afternoon went by in a daze.

Later at 4 o'clock my parents came with Kiara to pick me up. Kiara climbed in my bed and hugged me profusely. I held my fathers hand as if I was hanging on to life itself.
They made us wait until 7 o'clock. In the mean time I had to climb out of the bed 3 times to go to the toilet. Do not forget that the fear of hospital beds was still with me and that that was a main reason for me to get home a.s.a.p. ! Half an hour before the operation the bed fence had collapsed on me and stretched my muscles in my leg, stomache and back. That did not help after this weeks episode. I had already hung up the beautiful poster with 4 leaved clovers which Kiara's classmates made for me over the hospital bed at home to divert my attention...but the beds in the hospital are actually higher and I could not get out of them without a nurse's help.

What do you call a fear of hospital beds? Lectulusphobia? (My sister sharply pointed out to me that I was mixing Latin and Greek. The right term must therefore be: Krebatiphobia) I must work on that with Sabine as it is my one and only trauma.

As we drove towards the Gooi area I noticed how much better the air was at home than in Amsterdam. I also believe the flowers in the hospital room were making me asthmatic.

Kiara was disappointed that I was unable to speak on the way home and cried hysterically when we got home. All of this is just too much on her. After not wanting to touch me for an hour she slowly moved towards me. That barrier has fortunately be crossed. How sweet it is to be home!

Home sweet home

I am home 3 days early. My dream team did a top job! Now all I need to do is rest, rest, rest. Please do not visit or call before Saturday.

Killing the cancer has started!

"Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood!"

Lord of the Flies by William Golding

__________________________________

Ironically....the cancer is me.

Hospital info

Admittance: 15 May - 18 May
Hospital Address: De Boelelaan 1117
1081 HV Amsterdam
Visiting hours: 11 am - 12.30 pm
16 pm - 19.30 pm
Department: Kortverblijf

Mother's day

Today is mother's day. What a feast it is! To Kiara this has always been the most significant day of the year excluding her own birthday and since she was 4 years old she would go shopping for a present using her own pocket money. Kiara I might add has miserly tendencies, so in doing this for me she is truely showing her deapest love.

Yesterday, Aldith and Kiara had plans to go to town.

She was picked up at about 11.00 and they left for lunch and more. There was quite a bit of secrecy...and Kiara was returned at 16.00 hours.

This morning when we woke up, Kiara sent me on a present hunt. She had hidden 3 presents for me in her bedroom.

1) A beautifully bound notebook to write down all my thoughts.

2) A mini movie in honour of me. (Made by Kiara and Aldith)

3) A selfmade coaster and a song.

I watched the mini movie 15 times.

She brought me breakfast and a drink. Wow! Talk about being spoilt!

Later on Tineke came over with a mother's day brunch. We ate croissants, strawberry's and cake.

Mother's day is important to me this year. I am only too aware of my own mortality. A celebration of life should be found at every possible occasion.

Op prep

Thyroidectomy: Tuesday 15 May. 9.00 o'clock at the VUmc. I will recover at the "kortverblijf" department.

Departure: Friday 18 May. ______________________

I like to think of this past week and the next 3 as the toughest weeks I will have to go through. The pain, the anticipation and the uncertainty are at their height now. After the Iodine treatment all of these feelings should gradually subside. I am expected at the VUmc at 9.00 am on tuesday 15 May. They will prepare me for the operation and before the morning is over my thyroid gland will have been removed. I am to stay in the hospital until next friday. Once I am home I will have a nurse twice a day to tend to me. Jacqueline took charge of the organisation including renting my hospital bed and toilet chair etc.

Kiara is spending the week with my parents next week. It seems like a cozy idea to me...the three of them in my house.

Preparations for the hospital have started at home too. I have tended to my administration, I have tried to tidy up as much as possible and I have started to pack my bag. Evelyn, I don't expect you ever thought the silk nightgown was to be worn in the hospital?! Well, it seems like it the most practical item of clothing as the material breathes, I covers me up, but it is still a smooth material which will allow me to move around the bed more. Jocelyn, the golden nightgown will do great as a substitute. For my house I have made sure all my towels and sheets are washed, and an extra bottle of handsoap has been purchased.

Last week my brother Melvin helped me install my new DVD player with Dolby Surround. This way I can listen to all the music I want!

Kiara's summer holidays have been payed for... she will be going to adventure summer camp, twice. I had to find a good alternative for Jamaica because I could not bear to see her upset about that.

Today, my parents are testing sofa's in Zevenaar so I can order a new one

(which won't break my back) by phone. As you can tell, the way I spend my money has significantly changed. Some luxury goods have become necessities and a real priority. Thank goodness for this years tax return!

Then last but not least: I have arranged for transportation through my dear friend Marcus's cab company. This way I won't have to be driving to and from the hospital myself. Last Friday I experienced this facility...I would recommend it to everyone to let them be chauffeured around by someone they love. It is really quiet a wonderful experience!

Bed arrest

Yesterday my hospital bed arrived. My dear friend Jacqueline has taken over the responsibility for my care after I get back from the hospital. She has drilled the nurses and taken care of every possible event that might occur in the future.

When the bed arrived, she diligently cleaned it (and the rest of the house) and made it up to look nice and cozy. I took one glance at it and avoided it for the next 24 hours. Kiara had a ball though...the bed had become her personal roller-coaster in no time at all and she even attempted to sleep in it at night.

Precisely one day ahead I thought it was about time to try it out, though the height seemed a little bit dodgey for an invalid like myself. I mean nobody else has a broken back and cancer in the pelvis at the same time and I have noticed that I am quite a novelty in the hospital.

So, I got into the bed fine. It seemed a little soft and narrow...but it was more comfortable than I had anticipated. Kiara joined me and we hugged a bit. Anti decubitis (pressure sores) matrasses are comfortable.

When I wanted to get up I reallized I was stuck in the bed and had no means of maneuvering myself out of it. Kiara and I were at home alone so I tried not to panic. I asked Kiara for the phone and called Jacqueline whom at first did not know what I was talking about. I mean, this is an electric elevatable bed...it is the last thing anyone would expect to happen.

As I lay there on my stomach panicking, the doorbell rang. Kiara identified the man as the bed man (who I had an appointment with to fix the bottom end). I had to tell him to wait as I could not risk him shifting my hips in an attempt to help me. The danger being that one wrong move could cut my spinal cord and paralyze me. He waited patiently, as Kiara explained how she knew who he was. He had the same logo on his shirt as the logo on the bed. How clever can a 7 year old be?!

Jacqueline arrived about 15 minutes after I had called her. All this time I lay on my stomach unable to move. I feared that my spine might curve too much and cause injury. For those of you who do not know the situation, one of my vertebraes was broken and has collapsed.

Jacqueline an excellent listener was able to maneuver me off the bed. We had sent Kiara upstairs as not to upset her. When I stood, I cried. Kiara was also upset because she got even more scared waiting upstairs.

This is stress which I cannot handle. The next two hours or so remained pretty dismal. The anxiety was tremendous...and to see Kiara hurt this much was even worse.

Bye bye hospital bed....a replacement will be made tomorrow with an adjusted (the lowest height must be lowered) bed. Once again, I am not your standard kinda gal.

Junkie Hunkie

(Illustration by Conceptart Org)


I have two additions to my dream team. One was an application, the other was passed on to me.

The latter, Professor (and brilliant wizzard) Zuurmond is my anesthesiologist. He assessed my medication and laughed at the diclofenac 60 which I was taking. Obviously it was crazy to be treating this pain with such a general painkiller. Also, the 60 milligrams was a give away that I have been taking illegally imported medicines. Diclofenac 60 mg is not on the Dutch list of legal medicines. 50 and 75 mg are.


I can't help wondering if I was taking Chinese tablets? Anyway the object of my visit was to better my quality of life as the pain is increasing everyday. I have now got two new medicines called Arcoxia (120 mg) and Tramadol HCI (100mg). Both sound like vile conconctions to me...but if they work out well I am happy to take them. This should get me through the next weeks as I try to go through the motions of an operation and a recovery. I have now given in to the pain! Aisha has finally succumbed to the royal state of junkiness.

Speaking of quality of life; my dear coach Sabine Overtoom deserves a position in my team too. (I say this with positive determination after considering her application). Through her wisdom she has helped me experience an elevated sense of quality of life, even before I knew I was sick. She has brilliantly unveiled new horizon's in my life that have already started to bring wonder and pleasure to my future.

Sabine, welcome to the dream team.

No pain, no gain

Pain is a peculiar thing. For 2 years now I have been walking around with tremendous pain. I did not accept it as I was on another mission. (Making a career and bringing up Kiara)

It is interesting how the body takes care of itself. Now that I have come to terms with the fact that I actually do have cancer...it is as if I can feel the pain much better. How do I explain this?

....it is as if I am giving the pain the space it deserves. The doctors tell me this is a normal reaction.

These days there are moments that the pain is excrutiating. I had no idea that it was this bad...but when I think about it...it has been this way for 2 years at least. I can not stand the pain now...but before...I was able to block it out mentally.

I believe that accepting the pain is part of focussing on what I need to do. I need to get better soon and be strong.

I guess they were right when they said: No pain, no gain.

Tomorrow I will visit an anesthesiologist about the pain.

My dear childhood friend Scott Shannon told me: "Pain is weakness leaving the body".

Scholar subject

So...what are we looking at statistically?

And why is it that I got my dream team whilst other patients are too suffering from cancer?

Well I like to think that half of the reason is my personality and my ability to communicate at an academic level. Actually,...that has been confirmed by several specialists. But beside the fact that I am a young mother looking after such a young little girl, the statistics for thyroid cancer have boggled me.

In the US 1 in 13,140 people get thyroid cancers. That means that 0.0000761 % of the population get thyroid cancer in the US.(0.000076% in the Netherlands).

To put this into perspective, 3% of the women in the US get breast cancer.

The effect of this disease is that I have become an interesting showcase. Doctors are competing to make it to my dream team and students are lining up to palpate (feel) the beautiful lump in my throat, which all of them missed in the first instance.

Anyway, I am most greatful for this abundance, and also the speed with which my diagnosis has been made. Within 2 weeks all was clear. I know that some people have to wait over a month to get their results.

The VUmc Cancer Center Amsterdam is working on developing a new department to make diagnosis within 48 hours available to anyone. Watch this space as time proceeds about this great initiative.

With Cancer...time is a crucial factor. Each day your body is being eaten up from inside until eventually there is no way out.

Who are the selected doctors on my dream team?

Dr. Luykx from the Tergooi hospital in Hilversum

Dr. Van Keulen from the Tergooi hopital in Hilversum

Dr. Hoebers from the Anthoni van Leeuwenhoek hospital in Amsterdam

Dr. Gerritsen from the VUmc in Amsterdam

Dr. Cooman from the VUmc in Amsterdam

Dr. Oosterhuis from the VUmc in Amsterdam

Dr. Lips from the VUmc in Amsterdam

Quite a league, huh!

Plans for this week are: a meeting with the pain specialists on Tuesday, and an extra session of radiation therapy later on this week. Next week Tuesday my thyroid gland will be removed surgically. I will remain in the hospital for 3 days.

After recovery the iodine treatment will be started. This will probably occur every 6 months or so. Right now I have been told to not go back to work yet, even though I will feel better gradually.

Happy about the "good" news

How I looked when I got the news.

It is ironic, but we are so happy about the bad news. It is strange how your perspective can change within days. Of all the evils this is the least evil.

May I remind all of you in jubilation...this matter is still very very serious:

An agressive form of cancer in an advanced stage.

Da Bomb

Yesterday I went to the VU hospital in Amsterdam for my 2nd opinion. Thanks to my network I was allowed to be seen by Doctor Gerritsen, the successor of the famous Doctor Pinedo. After 1,5 hours of questions and check-ups and a partial lab result. I heard the most terrible news. The cancer type that I have belongs to one of the gland sorts.

Therefore, my cancer could be breast, lung, stomache, intestine, pancreas, thyroid or fatgland. Fact is that I have an agressive type of cancer in an advanced stage. The prognosis was not too good as the doctor clearly spoke of prolonging my life, rather than curing the disease.

This morning I went through hell. I cried and cried and cried. And spoke to my wonderful friend Jacqueline about matters of life and after-life. A visit to my coach Sabine Overtoom had already been scheduled and gave me something to hold on to. My session of about 2 hours was very healing. When I arrived home Doctor Luykx had called. She had asked me to call back. I told my mother that this would be my verdict. She could not believe I would hear it on the phone. I was sure I would as I have an agreement that I want all information as soon as possible.

My cancer is cancer of the Thyroid. Meaning that even though it is a case of prolonging life...the prolongation can be thought of in decennia.

I will have my thyroid removed...and radioactive iodine treatment will follow. Much to everyone's relief...the chemotherapy is out of the way.

Receiving radioactive Iodine therapy means hospitalization (3 to 4 days) after each treatment, where they will put me in quarantine to prevent affecting others (namely Kiara) with my radiation.

Please consult the links on this blog for more information. I will write more tomorrow.

A funny little detail.....if I am to go anywhere by plane in the period of my treatment....security will be on to me in no time, as my radioactiveness will make them suspicious of me smuggling nuclear weapons. Airports have detectors for radioactivity. I am finally well and truely: Da Bomb!

Raincheck for radiation therapy (not)

Doctor Hoebers

Friday morning my mother and I set off to Amsterdam the Anthoni van Leeuwenhoek hospital (a clinic speciallized in cancer.)

I had to pick up a cd-rom from the hospital in Hilversum at 8.30 and my appointment in Amsterdam was at 11.00.

For those who don't know this is virtually a mission impossible as driving from one end of Hilversum to the other alone normally takes half an hour. Let alone the traffic on the A1 on Friday before a long weekend. Monday was to be the Queen's birthday, when the whole of Holland goes out in the street, dressed in orange, to celebrate.

Well somehow my guardian angel gave me a swift route as we arrived in the hospital 45 minutes before my appointment. It was mind boggling to realize that all the patients in this hospital are cancer patients. (And this not being the only cancer clinic in the country). In 2005, 1900 people became new patients at the clinic. It makes you wonder about our lifestyles, or maybe even about if we were meant to live this long in the first place. Anyway after watching everyone in the waitingroom disappear, suddenly a Mill 'n' Boons doctor appeared and called my name. We talked about my condition and I wanted two things cleared up: Could it be possible that I had two types of cancer, and were they thinking about a specific type of cancer.

The first was negative, the latter was positive.

Apparantly they had not counted on me starting my radio therapy so I had to be rescheduled for later that afternoon. Too bad...I could not take a raincheck. First I was taken to the x-ray room where they super impose a gridline on your body. The purpose is to determine the exact spot to beam as not to damage any other cells. The gridline is then drawn onto you using coordinates. The magic marker lines are then traced with red henna tattoo. Having done all this the preperation is done.

I was given a tablet called Kytril. This tablet was supposed to counter-act a feeling of nausea. We made our way to the radio therapy area and had some time to kill. By this time lunch had struck and we were very hungry. Half a cheese sandwich did the trick as I was worried I might barf it out later.

Three gay radio laboratory assistants positioned me on my rocket ship.

They put my henna grid in line by superimposing the new grid (green light) on my body and making sure the 2 grids matched. I was to be beamed in 4 spots. Each took exactly one minute at a time. The treatment was over.

I was not scared but could not help noticing how everyone hid from the radiation whilst I lay down to receive it. Peculiar!

I was told that I was supposed to feel nauseous the first day and that there would be some oedema in the areas that were treated in the next couple of days. After 5 or 6 days I should feel a little better, and after a week and a half the pain should start to reduce.

I drove myself and my mother home on Friday. There was no nausea and late at night the oedema came. The next morning I woke up with much less pain than the past 10 weeks. And started my peaceful weekend alone at home...as usual. Could it be that radiation therapy is my thing?