The significance of music

People ask me how I manage to stay so positive and sunny. Some of them even think that I walk around smiling for their sake. I have been known for my abundant smile since kindergarden at the Escola Americana do Récife in Brazil. Sometimes it does not reveal how I really feel.

How does it work? Well smiling does not only have to be an expression of your feelings. You can also turn it around and allow a smile to stimulate the way you feel. If I smile, I act out a state of happiness. Acting it out actually makes you feel that way. It is not my intent to cover up my feelings. It is just a way of dealing with grief, whether it is small grief or large. I have always done that and people never understood. I remember when I left the VARA my boss (Frank de Jonge) told me he felt like I had deceived him as he had no clue that I was not happy there. I wonder...should a comment like that worry me? I don't think so, as my way of dealing with the situation actually contributed to my own well-being. Am I responsible for how other's feel? I think not, as long as I am not making their life a living hell.

Call it mind tuning. It is a subject that has really sparked my interest. The way I deal with this illness, what makes me so "strong" is that I condition myself.
I more or less control my emotions. How do I do this? I make an assessment of what a healthy person ought to feel in my position, as well as I am able to.
I then add an appropriate ratio (expressed in time) to each emotion. For instance, I decide how much time I should spend grieving and how much time I should spend enjoying myself. As soon as the ratio seems acceptable to me I have a list of emotions that need to be planned in an itinerary over a certain period of time. I literally plan when I will allow which feeling to surface, also making allowances for negative feelings. By planning my feelings I achieve an optimal balance in life. There is a time for everything. This psychological tool (as I dare call it) keeps me going and adds to my QOL (quality of life).
My grief becomes manageable. What else do I want?!
I have found that music is an excellent catalyst to enable me to follow this plan. I have discovered that for instance there are CD's that promote sleep (Music to promote sleep by Sonic Aid) that to my suprise actually work! (I don't know if it is a physiological or psycological effect, but what ever works is fine with me)! Googling this subject introduces you to a whole new World. If you are interested you should check out the new links on the right.

It may please some of you that now that I have allowed myself to feel fear and anger for the passed two weeks, I am ready to get into a holiday state of mind.