30 January 2008

A normal life resumes?

Lately, the sign of the time has been about picking up my life again. Having the ability to have a social life again, starting to go back to work, looking after Kiara again and being in a relationship again, are all signs that my horizon has broadened enough to even contemplate a future. It is at this time that sadness and fears are on the surface, yet at the same time my road to the future is manifested.

Things like taking Kiara to the optician, or the dentist, or having her friends over are almost normal again. But her tears at night when she goes to bed are a constant reminder that I am not quite there yet. Living with cancer is OK really, if the sadness and fear are only your own. It is the pain that your loved ones have that is killing. On the other hand, it feels right to have an open dialog, so that I do not have to wonder what is going on.
My own fear is based on the fact that the last treatment did not have the anticipated result. I feel pains and discomforts which I did not feel before. At the same time, my orthopedic recovery has been phenominal. When you have cancer, every ache or soar could be a potential tumor. I have not seen the specialists since the beginning of December and I seem to have lost the confidence I had before. Today I go back to Lips to evaluate my state.
The fact that I worry, is worrying to me.

22 January 2008

Two chicks go Chinese

Last Friday I suprised Kiara with a visit to the Chinese restaurant in Laren. It is a restaurant with a very fine cuisine and Kiara is just simply crazy about their Har Kau. It was a fun night out! She is getting so much bigger and it is easy to have an enjoyable time with her. We decided to order something new, so

Kiara went for the shrimp and I went for the Squid.

We took our time and were there for at least 2,5 hours. Every once in an while Kiara would tekst message her grandmother.
We had LOLs. Obviously we were not able to finish it all. So I had them make a doggy-bag. I explained the doggy-bag principle to Kiara
, that it was not chic to say that the food was actually for yourself. When the waiter
arrived Kiara said..."
Please, Sir, can we have a doggy- bak..."(bak being the doggy's dish in Dutch). I was ready to explain the bak/bag thing when she finished her sentence; "...even though we do not have a dog". I did not know whether to feel embarassed or to laugh. I chose the latter which mounted up to huge hilarity. There was no booze involved, but I could have sworn she was drunk. We ended our meal with science fiction Lychees floating in a bowl of frozen Carbon Dioxide with hot water. A cute little gimmick that has made it to the restaurant scene.

16 January 2008

Not taking any chances

It is said that the makers of masks sometimes put a spell on the buyers. If this is true, than one could imagine that this is most likely of masks made for tourists.

4 years ago I bought a mask in Jamaica, rather much like the one in the picture. I hung it by my bed, superstiously thinking it might be protecting me from intruders. My mother and several other people felt uncomfortable in its presence, but I kept thinking....it's just a mask. In an older entry called Dreamin' of the Reaper, I mentioned a visit by the Grim Reaper in my dreams and that he was disguised as Jack Sparrow. You see, I am a big fan of Johnny Depp, so he could have easily tricked me. I was sharp enough to send him away to go and fetch someone else.
A couple of weeks before Christmas, Kiara came into my bed and literally turned white. She did not know of my dream and told me that she saw Jack Sparrow's face in the mask. Well superstious or not....I decided that it was time to get rid of the mask. Kiara had stipulated that there were certain regulations to take with regards of dispensing the monster. It was not to be burnt, I was not to throw it out and I was not to give it to ill or black people! Well well, I had a problem. I suggested we would leave it behind in the woods or a burial ground....but both options were definate no no's to Kiara. Seeing as I was hoping to calm her I happened to mention my dilema to my Hydrotherapist that day. We came to the conclusion that if I gave it to her, she could decide whether to keep it or to discard it herself. Christmas came. I took the mask down but had a few weeks off.

Yesterday I took the mask to my therapist. Strangely she took one look at it and was disgusted. "What an evil mask", she said and instantly threw it away. It made her feel so bad that she immediately went to wash her hands. Makes you wonder...the fact is that I felt relieved that it was out of my hands. Kiara also finally slept well at night. She didn't even know I had waited that long to get it out of the house. My therapist put on some music. Strangely the first song on was: Bird of Paradise. The mind boggles!

Saw you flying by
Flash of Turquoise Blue
I just had to try
To keep your life in view
My bird of paradise
Sweet bird of paradise

Wish that I could fly
I'd be beside you now
But I can only sigh
And watch you circle round
My bird of paradise
Sweet bird of paradise
My bird of paradise
Sweet bird of paradise

So you fly away
When will you come again
So I can watch you play
In the pouring rain

My bird of paradise
Sweet bird of paradise
My bird of paradise
Sweet bird of paradise

My bird of paradise
Snowy White

14 January 2008

Avarian Flu

Scary huh? Well, it started the day after I started work. High fevers, aching muscles, runny nose, clogged up bronchials. Not the Avarian, but just a simple flu. Of course it took a few days before I identified it as such....first I thought I just had a cold. As I am used to the menopauzal hot-flashes, I failed to realize that I had a fever until I was told that I was hot. There was me wondering why the heck I was so tired!
The local paper had an article on the fact that people with partners live longer. Now I know why!

I have some new discomforts which are worrying me a little. The annoying thing with cancer is that you always wonder 'what if'. I have a new area in my ribs and my arm sockets are so hypermobile that I am straining my muscles, even when I hang up my coat, for instance. For now I am telling myself it must be the flu, but I think I will have them look at it just incase. It is most probably the crutches that are making my upper body play up.
I have received my invitation to the next treatment for 22 februari. I am hoping that it's effect will be more significant this time. Back to PwC today. Maybe the flu will go away.

08 January 2008

Protected Bird

My first day at work went fine. My team had a lunch scheduled, so I went an hour earlier. My colleagues wouldn't be my colleagues if they did not offer me a big welcome. Andrea had informed everyone of my arrival and my desk was decorated. I also received a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

How much was I able to do? Well...my computer wasn't working...what where we thinking??? So I spent the time I was there sorting out my files...only to reallize that most papers were ready for the bin. One hour and a paper bin later, we left for Dicky's restaurant for lunch. It was great speaking to everyone in an informal setting. After lunch it was time to go back home. I was very tired and ended up in bed by eight o'clock! It was good being back at work...but the trip seemed much longer than I remember. Crazy how the whole of Holland travels to and from work, sitting in traffic jams that drive you nuts. I am all for flexible jobs. I am positive that it would give the economy an impulse.

07 January 2008

Remigration- Bird Returns

January 7, 2008. Bird Returns to work. It is funny how many facets we have. Each human being is made-up of several identities: The parent, the child, the lover, the friend, the enemy, the sportsman, the customer, the patient, and of course the co-worker. I could go on and on...forever and ever. You see, we are only that which we are portrayed to be at a given instant. Each identity has its own behavior. Sometimes it is expressed in our clothing; this morning for instance, I got up, had a shower, ironed my shirt and put on my powersuit. I completed the corporate chick-look with a ring and the handbag which I haven't touched since I last stopped working. I am going back to PwC today. The crown table of the diamond will be cut this day. Then the following months will be spent polishing it up. Hopefully I will emerse as a shimmering gem in the summer to come.

Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
You are right at the edge of a big shift, yet you can't make things change any faster than reality will allow. It's as if your speed limit is being set by external events, rather than by your own intent. Frustration can be a result of impatience, for the real transformation will take more time. The days following tomorrow's New Moon will offer important clues to what comes next.


03 January 2008

and a Happy New Year!

After much deliberation Kiara and I decided to stay home for New Year's eve rather than going to friends. We had received two kind invitations, but I reallized that there was much to reflect on this year. Usually we go to friends on New Years eve, but this year Tineke was in France and it just seemed like it was time to create our own memories.

I pulled out the fondue pan and we had a splendid meal with veal, lamb and tiny pork sausages. I made the sauces myself, and there was way too much food. We listened to music and had fun conversation, we also called the family.

PwC always allows us to choose a Christmas gift. This year I went for the chocolate fountain, which was a marvelous combination with the fondue. It was Oh So Yummy!

After dinner we watched the show on television, hoping to win the lotery...oh well, I suppose that that is not quite my fate! And then, the final countdown to midnight.

Past 12 we went out to light our fireworks. It was the first time in ages...at least as long as Kiara could remember. Our friends (Ineke, Jermaine, Myriam, Sylvester, Jacqueline, Laura, Henk, Carla, Kim, Gert-Jan and Marc) Joined us in our celebration. I managed to pull an all-nighter....ugh...my poor back. It was worth it though!