Scared of falling

“It looks a long way down” says Dekomposer at Writewords.org.uk.
Yes, Bird is scared of flying high. Soaring through the sky. Letting go. Having faith. Faith in himself, mostly. Faith in life.

Bird is thinking...what if...? What if I fall? What if I cannot fly? What if I don't make it? Bird DID know how to fly in the end. He took a giant leap of faith.

Right now I don't know how to fly. My wings are clipped and I haven't a clue how much of me they will leave in tact. And that which is still present, hurts. It hurts so much that this Bird cried in public today. Bird, who always smiles. Bird who believes in her smiles.Today's pain was too much. The problem with pain is that it messes with your head. You can't think straight.
Though I lived from Tramal shot to Tramal shot, I hardly felt a relief of pain when it was time to take each next one. I sought distraction by sleeping and socializing by phone. Short distance, long distance, any distance, really. I Called all those people I should have called much earlier but just did not get around to, thus killing time until my expected guests arrived in the evening. They had spent a day at the TT race in Assen, a gift I gave them and they came to report how it had been. The sheer thought of them having the time of their lives was my little beacon that kept me on course today. Hanging in there...'til the bitter end. When I woke up at 6.30 this morning, the thought of them getting ready to go had put one of today's rare smiles on my face.
When they left, or just before to be precise, the fear hit me that I would have to suffer this pain in loneliness tonight. I panicked, I was scared. Scared of flying on my own. Scared of what the future will bring. If my pain gets worse every day, how will I make it until mid August? How will I relish my time with Kiara during the summer holidays? I tell myself the pain is a sign of my treatment working. But do I know this for sure? I do not! (I will try to find out Monday if what I am saying makes sense). What if....?