Some progress is being made

I am improving. For instance, I have moved from inside the house looking at the garden to being outside in the garden. Yes, the improvement is there.That is for sure! But don't be fooled. The outside looks much better than the inside. It is interesting how human's brains work: I look good, therefore I am fine. Such is the viewers perception. The truth of the matter is that I have just gotten a tiny glimps into the my own future. A future that only a few weeks ago was non-existant in my mind. This is a measurable phenomenon. I used to plan ahead 5 years and I had a life expectancy of 75 years in my own head.

When I got sick I didn't dare look further ahead than 2 years, but I only had the security of a life expectancy of several months.

Now that those months have gone by and I am obviously recovering, I don't look ahead more than a few days and I expect to reach the age of sixty.

So what next? I am a changed person. All my values have altered. My dreams have been adapted to fit reality, and I know myself better. I have a clearer understanding of who I am, what I am capable of and what my task here on Earth is. My past being a given, it is a challenge to give shape to this new future. While I am still working very hard at surviving (the fight is not over yet) and regaining my validity, I am tempted to sort out the questions that fill my mind. Having the energy drained out of your body to recuperate does not help the thinking process. Thus leaving me puzzeled and tired.
Many forces are pulling at me at the moment. For instance; I need to be alone but I hate the loneliness. I have found love, but I cannot have it. I would like to get my home in order, but I am incapable of doing it. I want to concentrate on myself, but I have gained more wisdom to help others.

Boy I can't remember, but birth must have been really hard! I guess babies have the luxury of sleeping and eating all day. I in turn am learning to pick up the tasks that my responsibility is made up of.

It’s a tug of war
Though I know I mustn’t grumble
It's a tug of war

But I can’t let go
If I do you’ll take a tumble
And the whole thing is gonna crumble,
it’s a tug of war

Pushing, pushing
Pulling, pulling
Pushing, pulling

In years to come they may discover
What the air we breathe and the life we lead are all about
But it won’t be soon enough, soon enough for me
No it won’t be soon enough
It won’t be soon enough, soon enough for me

Tug of War by Paul Mc Cartney