Home again

Home again c 2003 Mara Friedman

So, now I am home again. You'd think that that would be a time to party. The truth is that it is scarry as hell.

Though I have made immense steps forward in my record time rehab, I find myself at home, an invalid for the time being, not knowing what the future holds.

I am very greatful to be back home with Kiara. Getting her to school in the morning is a major task as it has been the passed years...only now I am allowing myself to feel it. Allowing myself to feel pain, discomfort and anger are a major part of my rehab. I blocked these feelings the last 6,5 years because I had to get on, take care of Kiara and make sure that I was earning enough to get by.

In the process I set myself aside for the time being. I figured I could manage that until Kiara finished her elementary school. If I had not had a daughter I would have left the country after my divorce to seek my happiness elsewhere. Finding happiness was difficult here in a post Fortuyn era. Seeing as depression and pain were a part of my illness (I did not know which one at the time) I also preferred a warmer climate.

Now that I have gone through rehab it is time to evaluate what I have been doing with my life. It is time to figure out how to better my QOL, now that I know that I have even more limitations. My time management was fantastic! The problem is that my pace has decreased. It is the time to figure out how to maintain my life in the best possible manner. It is the time to incorporate more fun.

Right now I see many obstacles. Getting around them is energy and time consuming. Coming home, for me is just the beginning of getting better.

A mental process with many 'downs' and here and there a few 'ups'.