Demanding and necessity

My release from the Trappenberg is on September the 11th. How great it is that September the 11th will have new meaning to me for the rest of my life. I will carry on with my therapy but as an external rehab-patient. For the next 4 to 6 weeks I will try to adjust at home and go in for my sessions two to three times a week.

Though my rehabilitation is physically demanding, I have to say that the psychological aspects are much greater. I have been through a roller-coaster the past 8 months. First not knowing whether I was going to make it. Then a period in the hospital which had me managing my own specialists, and now the acceptance that I shall indeed live longer.

Giving that new life (as I see it) meaning is probably the hardest part as I have been forced to re-assess the life I was leading before. This, in order to make the best of my future life. Two things seem to be evident to me: The fact that I am able to take care of Kiara myself and the fact that I shall return to PWC to finish what I started. I still have many dreams though, such as living abroad for a few years, or working in the field for an NGO, or perhaps even being part of a thinking machine. The problem is that I can not do all those things at once.

At the moment I am wondering if I will remain in this invalid state. My house is being adjusted, I need my crutches, wheel-chair and will be getting a scoot-mobile. I am also in the process of applying for an international invalid parking pass and a confirmation from the CBR (the Dutch organisation in charge of issuing driving licenses) that I am infact allowed to drive in my car.
My doctor has fortunately told me that my physical state should not cause a problem as the strength in my legs is sufficient and improving.

All these matters make me vulnerable. When I got sick I reallized that I have spent the larger part of my life, helping others. The balance of giving an receiving has always been out of proportion for me. I had promised myself to concentrate more on myself and to look for that balance. The last 8 months I have learned to ask things. Things for myself. And here are my requests to anyone who cares:

• If you see an opportunity to help me...please go ahead and do so.
• If I tell you that I have reached my limitations...please believe me.
• When I say 'no'... I mean 'no'
• If I want to do something on my own...please allow me.
• If I irritate the hell out of you...then get out of my life.
• If you care about me...tell me.

I had decided to write down what I need from others and this is it! It wasn't as hard as I thought. These rule should apply for everyone and it is actually rediculous that there is a necessity to spell it all out.

Thank you to all of you who have supported me through out my illness. I have not recovered yet but shall be starting my new found life this coming week. It is now that I will need the most help.