Down-time

Autumn has really set in. The beautiful red leaves have brutally been blown off the trees and we have had quite a few wind storms. Christmas is approaching and the days are dark and gloomy. I hate the approaching winter and am craving a little sunshine. I have to make do with my daylight lamp, I'm afraid. Kiara's musical has been rather energy consuming, to say the least. But what a wonderful time she had. It was worth every effort to see her shine like that. She has 4 more shows to go this year and will get one of the girls roles after Christmas. Frankly, I hope that she won't be quite as busy the next 3 months. In the meantime, I am on a roller-coaster ride trying to find a way to deal with the Nexafar/Sorafenib. Currently I am off the cure for a short while. I got so sick at one point, that I needed my intestines checked. I decided to stop until the coloscopie. I was off the Nexavar for 2 weeks when I started my Kleenprep...which is actually a Barium solution that totally cleans out your bowels. I wasn't allowed to eat for a whole day. The worst part was actually the stress. Colon cancer does occur in my family, and I had been bleeding for a few months. I had also been struck by severe colon cramps the past few weeks. I was litteraly worried sick. I got tired, pale, and on the morning of the test I had a bloodpressure of 160/116. This is the first time that I got this worked up about a test. I couldn't face a new form of cancer.

Mom came to stay with me and on a monday morning we drove to Amsterdam. They put in in a mild state of sleep and carried out the -not so comfortable- test. I was able to follow everything on a screen and couldn't see anything. I had to wait at least an hour for the results. My intestines were clean! The bleading was something to look at though. The pain department has cut down my dose of painkillers. This does mean that I am in more pain. The last weeks I have actually been feeling awful. I have been extremely tired, my whole body hurt, I have had hot flashes and basically, I have been feeling subdued and anxious. I have dark rings under my eyes and have lost my hair as well. People still tell my I look great, while I am coming to terms with my new headpieces Roslyn and Halle. Every day on the news there is someone dying of cancer. What happened? So many people and so many young ones too. It gets harder and harder to watch. I particularily felt bad when Patrick Swayze died. He seemed to keep up the same spirit as I do and he still died. I don't work with prognoses. They are seldom correct. I do have my own vitality meter though. (Intuition) The readings have been lower than I would like them to be.

I still don't know if the Nexavar is working. I will have to take it until januari at least to know the effect. In the meantime, I have stopped so often and have not had my Iodine treatment.

Last week the pain in my body concentrated in one area as I had started to take my pain medication again. It was the rib on the left hand side again.

This week I went to Van Triest at the AVL. It was really comforting to hear that the last radiation session on the ribs, they actually targeted another rib. This can happen as it is not always clear exactly where the problem is. I had radiationtherapy on the area that I was actually experiencing pain in.

Already, the pain has died down in comparison to last week. I had worried about the last session not working...it was in the wrong place.

Little succeses like this, do make me feel a little better.

For now, I am resting alot. I have almost finished rehab. Just one week to go. I can walk very short distances without my crutches! I believe that those distances will increase. The bottom line is that overall I am still improving and beating the odds. I hope to make a mental leap the next months by focussing on what to do with the rest of my life.