Dreadin' it

A while back I downloaded this picture, but I never used it because it was dismal and gloomy. But today, I have pulled it out to share my feelings with you. It was one of those days when you just stay in your bed and feel like you are in the pits. I was also grumpy, scared and vulnerable. I managed to stretch the haul of the morning well into the afternoon. Then Marcus had to bear the grunt around three in the afternoon as I snapped at him about all sorts of things. By then I was on my way to celebrate St. Nicholas in Wognum with Paula (Martin's ex) and her family.

Yesterday's news has hit me like a ton of bricks. The truth is that I really do not know the real significance of the results, so I tried to reach my doctor at the hospital for extra information. On a Friday afternoon in NL it is practically impossible to get anyone to call you back on a matter. I therefore still have not received the information I was hoping to get.

Hearing yesterday's news makes me feel like I am staring down the barrel of an enemy's gun. I was reluctant about using this picture (on googling it became apparant that all of the pictures on the web that have a person at the end of the barrel, are pictures with black men holding the gun except the James Bond pics). But the picture illustrates how I feel when I am in touch with my fear of dying. The weird thing is that you become more suceptible to feeling what is going on inside. Whereas when you are without fear you tend to forget what is going on inside you. Just give me a few more days of gluminess and I will be back on my feet.












In the meantime we went to Wognum this evening to celebrate St. Nicholas with the Loos family.

The Loos family is Paula's family. Paula was Kiara's father's girlfriend for three and a half years after he and I split up. She and her family always took great care of Kiara and thus Kiara became a part of their family. We continued the contact after Paula and Martin split up and Kiara kept visiting. Especially
on St. Nicholas Eve which is the Dutch National family holiday. This year I too was invited! It was great to see Kiara with her adopted Grandparents, uncles and aunts. To her this felt like home. I am most greatful for the love they share with Kiara.

The evening got my mind off things. We had dinner and exchanged gifts. Even Higgins the dog got a present. He growled at it!

Before I knew it, midnight had passed. We made our way back home.

There will be a new day, with new opportunities tomorrow.