Christmas Eve 2010

I write this post with mixed feelings of sentiment. Looking back I seem to have gotten stuck in time somewhere at the beginning of the year. Kiara and I had had a wonderful Christmas last year, first with Marcus and his boys and also with my family. I remember us pledging that there would be a next year together. It was a happy Christmas.

Then the new year started in which Kiara's musical Amandla Mandela was in full swing. Despite a new pin in my arm I tried to go to as many of Kiara's shows as possible. There was one specific time that I felt so weak that I went to get my wheelchair in the intermission. I wondered if I would make it through her shows.

I did! I attended her last show in Sittard and my sister Angélique drove us. By the time we got there paralysis made it's entrance in my life. Tumor mass in my spine was damaging my spinal cord.
We drove straight from the show to the first aid and I was admitted to the hospital that day, March 28. Since then it's been an up hill battle trying to defy cancer.

It all came to a screeching hault last weekend which looking back now seems like an unreal dream. I was supposed to have an Iodine treatment but wasn't feeling well. There were problems with my bodily functions.

The cancer has progressed and a rather high level in the back, devastation is no longer postponable. As usual my inner radar told me something just wasn't right. After intensive diagnosis the neurologist told me that I am to expect to loose all functions from the bottom of my chestbone downward pretty soon. All my efforts to walk have flown out the door now.

As things go Mom and I got caught up in the medical carrousel last week. Tests were done, radiation therapy was given, meetings were held, my pain was managed etc. and eventually, for the first time, I was given a family room on the oncology ward. I couldn't help noticing that I was the liveliest patient there, not to be interpretted wrongly, because I was one of their worst cases. I would have never been given that room otherwise. It was comfy there and Mom was able to spend the night there with me. What happened in that room could best be described as private, I guess. I can't describe what happens between a mother and a daugther and how confusing that gets when your own daughter also comes by. The dynamics of caring, sharing, protecting, and wanting to ease the pain for each other are very complicating. Kiara visited on Saturday and we had our talk. It gets harder each time but she makes it easier for me with her incredible capacity to deal with tragedy. I am so proud of her level headedness, her intelligence, her ability to plow through a mourning proces. She uses maths and her favorite things for comfort. Focus somehow eases the pain. Kiara went home with the Kleps who took her into their home lovingly. She was OK. Mom and I spent another 3 days in the hospital. I underwent a radiation session and the Docs wanted me there for observation. I made use of the situation to have my first shower in almost 4 months. It was so nive to feel the water on my skin that the instant it touched me I cried. I cried for a good hour and felt so good afterwards. (The showering is lying down on a special showerbed).

I came home in a winter wonderland. My house looked like a fairytale cottage. I haven't seen this kind of snow since 1985. I remember that that year I had pain in my knees and that they had found week spots on my Femur. Could that already have been the cancer?
When I came home Mom and Melvin swapped shifts. I had come back as another woman than the one that left on Friday. We had no idea what we were into. Even all the nurses, physical therapist, and my GP were so blown away, that we decided to just go with the flow these two weeks to see where exactly we are at. We focussed on Christmas. We have to get it right this year. My home was the opposite to Scrooges... it was all but Humbug.

Life continues at number 1.