Finally a normal day

While using the Amintryptaline (the anti-depressant which was supposed to act as a painkiller) I felt really tired and depressed. I chose to not continue using it as it was effecting my QOL too much. I decided to stop using it which meant that I had to reduce the dose gradually. This morning I visited my friend Ineke which was a nice change after having been stuck in my house for most part of January. It is the first whole day that I have managed to stay up without feeling totally exhausted. I have been given other medication for the pain in my arm but without having started to take it I am already wondering if I should. It will effect my driving which to me is a very good reason not to use it as driving is what gets me around in the first place. These past weeks, not being able to drive, I felt very dependant and I am in the process of getting there again, driving short trips at a time. The pain department has now prescribed me medication for epilepsy which is supposed to help against the nerve pains. I don't know, but that just does not feel right somehow. This is pretty heavy stuff and should I really be stimulating my nervous system after having had radiation therapy on my head? Tomorrow my friend Rachelle is getting married, so I think I might as well wait until monday and call the doctor before I start using my prescription drugs.
I took an important step today. I had decided that it was time to go for mental support. I have been coping really well, however as time progresses it is becoming harder and to handle new disappointments concerning my health. I walked there and back again. It felt really good to be moving around in the fresh air again. It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining.

One thing that really bothers me is my Pavlov reaction to hospital admission, the food, the smells etc.. I figured that if it was possible, I would like to get over my hospital trauma's from past two years. Everytime that I am admitted to the hospital I feel repulsion. I feel nauseous and stop eating. When I was in for my last surgery the orthopedic surgeon had expressed his concern about my loss of weight in the days running up to my admission and he told the food department to watch me. I had been labelled the anorexic chic. I suppose that is how the first thing that I ate after my operation ended up being a piece of cake! My piece of cake was literaly that. Anything but hospital food would do for me. I survived on crackers, jam and the tea that I brought from home. Oh well!

I started a programme today in which a most interesting methode called EMDR was used. It was really hard but I believe it will help.