Comfort and joy

On Saturday I made my way to Zevenaar where my parents live. I have spent almost every Christmas with them. It is really special and a time for the family to gather together. Kiara was with Martin visiting his parents in the weekend. Unfortunately I had to drive to Utrecht and back on the Sunday which was really too much in the plan, resulting in back ache on monday. It just goes to show that 2 hours driving is just too much.

The bed in Zevenaar was also too hard, so I have been feeling more pain this week than I have been accustomed to the last couple of weeks. I thought I had brought enough medicines with me but when I got here I reallized that I had forgotten one of the blisterstrips on my diningroom table in Hilversum. Luckily, my pharmacy was able to fax the recipe to the pharmacy in Zevenaar.

Segal and Julia had already arrived from

Britanny when I arrived in Zevenaar. This year my sisters Adrienne, Angélique and Aldith are unable to make it. Melvin and his whole family were expected on Christmas day.

On Monday, Kiara and I drove to Emmerich, Germany (about 20 minutes aways) to get some typical German products. It was cold and wet. Kiara was tired and my back really hurt. We ended up quickly getting what we needed and made our way back to Zevenaar rather than taking a short walk along the Rhine.

Over the years Kiara has made friends with kids in my parents neighborhood. She played with them in the afternoon as I went to rest my back upstairs.

I realized that it is quite probable that Kiara will still meet up with them when she is 16 to go out in Zevenaar. The idea was quiet entertaining.

On Tuesday, Melvin came with his family. We celebrated Christmas by exchanging gifts and dining together. It was a lovely evening. Now I still have a few days left to meet my friends. I used to live here and have a few people I would like to see.

MY DEAR FAMILY:

Christmas cheer

Kiara's Christmas evening was the kick- off for the holidays. Yes, even I feel like it is a holiday as I have cancelled my rehabilitation for the next two weeks. Just a little more time with Kiara, before I start work again.

I closed off the week with a call from Dr. Lips. He too agrees that the last treatment wasn't all that spectacular. The rate at which the cancer is dropping is too slow for my liking and I have asked to seriously consider other forms of treatment to suplement the iodine treatment. Luckily Lips and Gerritsen are open to my arguments. We have decided to take a closer look at things the beginning of 2008.


At night, Marcus and I had planned to go out. Pubbing last week was so fun that I was looking forward to another night out.



Marcus had a gig at the pickle factory Kesbeke (never heard of it) in Amsterdam singing his Dutch songs. The audience loved it, especially the ladies. It was interesting to see as Marcus used to sing reggae before! Quite a switch to make!



Lange Frans (a well-know Dutch rapper) had arranged it for him. He had brought along his girlfriend Daniella, whom I got along very well. It was fun, and the food (lots of fish) was delicious.

After an extremely short night's sleep, I made my way over to Tineke's birthday the next afternoon. (waiting for the picture) and from there, I went on to Zevenaar, to spend the whole Christmas week with family. Can't wait!

Christmas kick-off

Tonight my different Worlds collided gracefully. You know how sometimes your different states of being merge into one, involuntarily...yet beautifully?
A melting pot of experiences and backgrounds, all stirred into one stew of gratitude.

Like every year, Kiara's school held their annual Christmas celebration. A Protestant school, in a Catholic Church. (And half of the World is killing each other for the sake of what they believe, what a waste!). And yes you have guessed it, the theme was World Peace.
Paula and Demi came along to witness this year's show. Kiara and her class sang Feel the Power at the top of their lungs. The message was clear: Unite one and all! We had fun and Kiara looked very cute in the skirt which caused some itching of the legs (as Kiara is not used to wearing tights). After the show we went home for hot chocolate and Christmas goodies. To my suprise, Marc also came by and so did Henk. Wow! Talk about different Worlds mixing. We did a nice little integrational thing!

Feel the power...tis the hour...it is time to make a change...la dee da da...

What a happy night it was!

Thyroglobulin down from 2660 to 2601

Finally, the last results after my treatment. We are down to 2601 now. A rather disappointing result, especially since the MRI shows that the tumor in the skull is not deminishing.
I am not in a panic as of yet, but measures must be taken. Since my 3 doctors have different ideas about the treatment, we will have to talk about which extra treatment to go for. There are other methods for treating Thyroid Cancer ranging from radiotherapy to chemo to surgery.
The last seems to make the most sense as in my opinion, it is easier to control that all the cells are removed. I may not be right about this though, so the next couple of days, I will allow them to educate me. We shall see.

The turning-point

It is right now that I am at a crucial turning point. This is where I either do, or don't resume my regular life. On Thursday I made my second visit to PwC.

My co-workers make it easier for me to go back. The major hurdle is energy management. It is increadible how 2 hours of listening can just blow the energy out of you. A good thing to experience, so that I will know what to look out for when I start to work again.

Many things at home are finally starting to come together. I have received my parking pass, for instance. Wednesday I went to the Harting Bank to have my new wheelchair adjusted. Whilst waiting for my new purple Quickie 2, Kiara had great fun testing all the different scootmobiles. She even checked the prices to see if you could afford the little infant one. "Oh what fun, it is to ride in a three-wheeled open sleigh"! Incidently, my scootmobile arrived today!

In the weekend I did normal stuff...like other people do. I managed to do my Christmas shopping and had an appointment with Tilly to go to the Pub.

Early in the evening I did not know how I was going to get through one hour...but by the end of the evening (it was really late) I still felt very comfortable there. I slept in on Sunday and seemed to be alright. Kiara was away at her father's house. On Sunday evening Marcus and I went out for dinner.








It was a great meal and we had heaps of fun. All in all I had a pretty normal weekend, and managed it all.
Today I had my meeting with my doctor. We will be starting to reduce the amount of therapy sessions soon and as he put it: "It is time that you start to retrieve yourself from this organization and start to pick up your regular life again, slowly".

The end of my rehab has been postponed for at least another month...and then I will gradually pick-up where I left off in February 2007.

'Tis the season to be jolly

Merry Christmas everyone and a Happy New Year!

How fabulous to be looking forward to a new year!
We hope that next year will bring you all the best!
And we will start the new year in good faith, starting with resuming work!
Christmas will not quite be the same this year.
However...it will sure be a time to think of new life!


So here's a little holiday cheer from Kiara and myself.

Transcendental time

As winter sets in I am confronted with the fact that almost a year has passed since I fell ill. I bump into things, whilst sorting out my house on a frequent basis, which have been lying there waiting to be cleared away for a year. Yearly events in the news seemed like they happened only yesterday. I suppose it must feel much like this when you wake up from a coma.
Time has simply passed. Not days, not weeks, but months, without me consciously taking part. I reallize as I post this picture of my street, that I have posted a picture of every season since I fell ill. The trees have blossomed, turned green and lost their leaves, while I have been busy getting better. The good news is that I too seem to be re-newing myself, a technique that has brought these trees to a ripe old age of about 60 years. My neighbor saw them come, and the first are starting to go. 60 odd years are great! I will try to follow suit. Today I will be visiting PwC again; my baby steps taken to resume work. I must tread carefully so as not to waste the energy which I will need in seasons to come.

An eventful week

Well the rest of the week was pretty busy. It was one of those weeks when you try to remember what you did, but you can't because it was too much.

Wednesday Kiara celebrated St. Nicholas at school and afterwards we went to Ineke to celebrate there. It was good fun but also energy-draining. When I went to the Trappenberg on Thursday I had very little left. They made me work hard anyway which has resulted in a stiff neck which still hasn't improved.

In the afternoon I went to PwC for the first time since June. It was a huge step to take. My co-workers made it easy for me though as I felt no pressure or lack of understanding. The whole visit though...including the daily traffic jam sucked the last bit of energy out of me. I ended up cancelling an appointment that evening. It is strange how the mind works...I was incredibly tired. Stress has many ways of manifesting itself.

Friday I was back in the hospital for check-ups. I saw Lips and discussed how things were going. He doesn't even want to use the radiation therapy on my head. It is interesting how 3 specialists have totally different approaches. I guesse that ultimately, it is my choice. I was happy to see that he was looking at all the aspects of my health. I will be back in for testing soon. I had a lot to be angry about but somehow his angelic face stopped me from verbalizing it. How flippin' annoying!

I can tell that Christmas is approaching. My itinery is being filled by others. I have to take control...before it gets out of hand.

A visit from St. Nick

On December the 4th, much to our suprise
St. Nick came to our house in disguise.

But both of us could, immediately tell,
That it certainly wasn't Mr. DHL

He wore a big red fleece jumper, and had a head of grey hair
But we instantly knew, that St. Nicholas was there.

A parcel too large to fit down a chimney or two
Bless my collegues at PwC, they gave us plenty to do

Like reading a poem, so beautifully written
and way too many gifts, to keep us smitten.

As usual we both are most certainly greatful
We certainly didn't expect a huge barrel or crate full.

But all in all it had the general effect
That I felt comfortable visiting, this I did not expect,

as going back to work is frightning indeed
It's easier though, if you can follow a lead.

Thank you PS Team!

To be informed is half the trick

Reduce stress fast! That is the remedy I was looking for.
After waiting 4 days for information on my bloodtest I finally got ahold of Professor Lips. I needed an explaination for the alarming result of my test. Why had the Thyroglobulin gone up from 2600 to 10000? And that in less than a week's time?
I spent a very stressful weekend wondering if my recuperation was going down-hill. Not to mention the high blood-pressure that I got as a result of it. (188/127 in bed with a pulse of 110).
Well, the reason for the results of my blood test is that I had not taken my Thyrax (medication) for 3 weeks, prior to my last treatment. This actually effects the Thyroglobulin levels in your blood. Why I couldn't get an answer to this matter last week, I do not know...but the 8.000 increase...most probably has nothing to do with the cancer cells and the next reading with medication will probably be down to 2000 (is what Lips predicts). This is good news...the bad news is that the first reading was also done without medication. The decrease in cells is therefore not as large as I thought. But we have managed to get more than half of it, already. Well, I feel a little more relaxed now...but I need some time to get the stress under control. Next Friday I will be going back to Lips to evaluate what's going on.

Dreadin' it

A while back I downloaded this picture, but I never used it because it was dismal and gloomy. But today, I have pulled it out to share my feelings with you. It was one of those days when you just stay in your bed and feel like you are in the pits. I was also grumpy, scared and vulnerable. I managed to stretch the haul of the morning well into the afternoon. Then Marcus had to bear the grunt around three in the afternoon as I snapped at him about all sorts of things. By then I was on my way to celebrate St. Nicholas in Wognum with Paula (Martin's ex) and her family.

Yesterday's news has hit me like a ton of bricks. The truth is that I really do not know the real significance of the results, so I tried to reach my doctor at the hospital for extra information. On a Friday afternoon in NL it is practically impossible to get anyone to call you back on a matter. I therefore still have not received the information I was hoping to get.

Hearing yesterday's news makes me feel like I am staring down the barrel of an enemy's gun. I was reluctant about using this picture (on googling it became apparant that all of the pictures on the web that have a person at the end of the barrel, are pictures with black men holding the gun except the James Bond pics). But the picture illustrates how I feel when I am in touch with my fear of dying. The weird thing is that you become more suceptible to feeling what is going on inside. Whereas when you are without fear you tend to forget what is going on inside you. Just give me a few more days of gluminess and I will be back on my feet.












In the meantime we went to Wognum this evening to celebrate St. Nicholas with the Loos family.

The Loos family is Paula's family. Paula was Kiara's father's girlfriend for three and a half years after he and I split up. She and her family always took great care of Kiara and thus Kiara became a part of their family. We continued the contact after Paula and Martin split up and Kiara kept visiting. Especially
on St. Nicholas Eve which is the Dutch National family holiday. This year I too was invited! It was great to see Kiara with her adopted Grandparents, uncles and aunts. To her this felt like home. I am most greatful for the love they share with Kiara.

The evening got my mind off things. We had dinner and exchanged gifts. Even Higgins the dog got a present. He growled at it!

Before I knew it, midnight had passed. We made our way back home.

There will be a new day, with new opportunities tomorrow.