Mixed feelings

Last week was a roller-coaster ride. I was up and down on the emotional ladder. It was a week filled with a lot of bad news, on the other hand it was also a week of celebration. I turned 40, a target I couldn't even dream of last year. But I also had radiation therapy on monday, and heard from the orthopedic surgeon that the tumor in my arm is so big that he couldn't even do a joint replacement as there would be nothing to attach it to. Hospital calls are starting to frighten me and as time moves along it is becoming harder and harder to drag myself into the physician's office. On the lighter side of life, I have plunged into an ACST revival mode. ACST was my school in
Tunis, Tunisia and apparently there is going to be a reunion next year. It has been really exciting getting in touch with old, dear friends. It is delightful to see what life has brought everybody. It has become a new incentive for me to keep fighting, I have to be healthy enough to travel next year. Thank you everyone for latching on, I never forgot all of you throughout the years. How precious can one's youth be. Being able to look back in glee is a treasure in itself.

Then there was my birthday! I had not planned anything yet as I intend to hold a Feest for Life party somewhere in November. Mom and Ineke managed to convince me that I could not let my birthday pass without celebrating now. I ended up meeting up with my Hilversum friends in town for some coffee, tea and snacks. That evening a small portion of the family went to have a chinese wok dinner. Thank you for the endless amount of phone-calls e-mails and tekst messages! It took me over 2 hours to respond to all of them and I am not finished yet!

This week, Tuesday, I will have my meeting with Dr. Lips to talk about my further treatment. I will keep you posted.

The big dip

This week has been a horrible one. I finally had my meeting at AVL with Dr. De Boer. I was hoping he would take over the coordination of my treatment.

As we sat there it soon became apparant that I was going to have to do with Lips and the VU hospital. Dr. the Boer found a way to tell me up to 5 times that there was nothing he could do for me anymore. In actual fact he told me nothing new but his intention was to get through to me and he did. As he did this I felt my control on life slip away. This was the very first time that I broke down crying in the hospital. There is only one thought that runs through your head at that time...and that thought is: "What about Kiara? She needs me in her life"! Losing me is simply not an option. Marcus, as always, supported me through those horrible hours. We had a drink and he insisted that I made an appointment with Dr. Van Triest, the radiologist to get me back on track.

She actually made time straight away and her approach was fantastic. I have now been scheduled for radiation therapy for my shoulder again on Monday. My shoulder is a wreck at the moment, so I am happy something is being done to it.

When I got home, a minor situation made me blow up. I ended up throwing jacket potatoes around my kitchen in a rage. Luckily nothing broke....but my arm is disfunctional for at least 2 weeks now. The last time I turned aggressive was August 19, last year. I suppose that a yearly outburst isn't too bad considering my situation, so I have decided to pardon myself for it.

I turn 40 on Wednesday. What a special birthday! Last year I didn't have a clue if I would be around now. I hope to reach many more. I am not holding open house on wednesday as I will be off doing other things. I will be throwing a party somewhere in the fall when everybody is back. You will hear about that later!

Socializing more

The last two weeks or so have been pretty action packed. Not so long ago, meeting with friends was an energy consuming activity. Not only do I have to get myself to the place where we decide to meet. Simply trying to concentrate on the conversation is difficult. Infact the physical aspect of going places is becoming easier each month which on a whole makes me feel like there is some improvement in my physical state.

With Kiara away for a two weeks I found the time to make my little tour d'amis. I started by visiting Rachelle and the kids and particularly my God child, Valentijn, after having had lunch at Warchild . It was nice touching ground with everyone.

Later on that week I went to Bloemendaal aan zee near Haarlem. A beach that generates alot of human traffic. I went there to meet Frank and Bernadette. Counting back the years, I have known Frank since 1986 which is now already 22 years. We met at Woodstock which was once beach bar of the year; a neo-hippy culture which was a nice quiet place to meet on a very rainy day. Unfortunately I forgot my camera so no pics of that! Only a 50 odd yards away, Marc was doing recordings for his video. Before we knew it we were watching a hiddeous fashion show. A rainy day like that can bring you lots of suprises! We ended up having dinner in a restaurant in Haarlem.

A couple of days later I went to London for just one day to meet my friend Jocelyn, her baby Zara and brother Anthony. Jocelyn was over for just one day and I figured that by flying back the same day I would at least be able to sleep in my own bed. I had a wonderful day with a price to pay. The next two days I had to hang low to recharge my furnace. Thank you Jocelyn for a fantastic day. What cancer has taught me is not to procrastinate. In the past I would never have gone to London for the day. But what is more important that meeting the friends we treasure the most. I have known Jocelyn since I was 7 years old. We met in Tunisia while both our fathers were posted there. Unfortunately my flight back was delayed by an hour. That just about put me out. Oh well, Carpe Diem!

So, how am I? Well, I believe that despite all the bad figures, I am doing pretty good. My strength is still improving after a year, and I am actually starting to worry about my extra pounds, which is a topic that seems really trivial when you have cancer. I am in no man's land as far as treatment is concerned, but I hope to turn that around on Wednesday when I finally have my meeting with Dr. de Boer at the AVL hospital. Kiara came home today and is starting school in the morning, this means that I am back on my daily, energy burning regime. Having to wake up at 6.30 each morning is tough and I wonder how I have managed to keep that up the past few years. The mornings are the most painful. I suppose I will managed.